The Art of Taking Feedback
I was recently in a group setting when one of the individuals vocalized a difficulty they were facing. Another person in this meeting decided to thoughtfully listen to their problem and help them come up with a solution. The solution presented was verbalized in a very understanding and constructive way. However, the struggling individual started to defend their incapabilities and even interrupt the person giving the advice.
I found this ironic since the person was complaining about an evident, personal problem — seeking solutions. I started to question whether or not this person was offended and why, if that was the case. Were they embarrassed for exposing their vulnerabilities, only to get reprimanded? Were they stressed out, and took offense to the other individual’s patronizing remarks? I was thinking about this situation more, and I realized that there were plenty of accounts where an outside party offered me feedback. While I rarely had the nerve to defend myself, I too inwardly defied the very advice that could have potentially saved me. Thankfully, I have matured in the way I understand other’s feedback, and I am continually learning how to listen carefully to their thoughts and see what I can implement in my life.
After reflecting on this past behavior, I was able to sympathize with that individual in the meeting. It’s a well-known fact that giving advice is sometimes offering wisdom at the expense of another. However, I believe that there is always a multitude of ways to develop skills in things you are not that great at, and you can also optimize the strengths you currently have by listening to what an outside source has to say. Since you can always find ways to get better, to do this effectively, it helps to listen and learn from others.
What I have observed is, it hurts to be at the receiving end if you fail to equip yourself to be a receiver. I was reconfiguring potential ways the person could have acted in the receiving end. If they stopped talking and listened closely to the other perspective, they could have learned something valuable and applied the wisdom to improve the situation and accomplish the assignment. Although I am a big believer in being your authentic self, improvement only happens when you are willing to sacrifice pleasure and get out of your comfort zone. In this endeavor, you can be a better version of your authentic self.
Learning to Listen
Taking feedback that highlights your incompetencies is difficult, no matter what kind of criticism it is. If the critique or advice implies that you are currently wrong, it will be harder to swallow. Fortunately, knowing this is an advantage because you can stop yourself from taking criticism too personally and start by listening to objective perspectives.
In Twelve Rules For Life, Jordan B. Peterson talks about the difficulties of intently listening to what another individual has to say. In “Rule 9” Peterson states,
“Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t.”
Peterson indicates that some of the things people say to you can radically change your perspective, for the better, if you choose to listen. This thought is correct because the reason it is hard to listen is mostly since the other individual may not agree with your self-beliefs or current behavior. To get rid of limiting beliefs, you must evaluate your thoughts and compare them to what the other person is saying of you or your work. He continues in the chapter by saying that listening requires thinking carefully. Thinking is a challenge because it excludes irrationality.
True thinking is complex and demanding. It requires you to be an articulate speaker and a careful judicious listener at the same time, it involves conflict. So you have to tolerate conflict and conflict is, is uncomfortable.
Conflict is a catalyst for change. Sometimes conflict is the catalyst for negative change, like an emotional outburst. The person in the meeting was offended by the challenging perspective. They could have taken it another direction, and left the meeting willing to reflect on the advice given if they chose to take that route.
One of my favorite quotations that fits this is from Socrates:
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
Keep in mind that there may be something new and beneficial for you to learn. With this mindset, you will be able to counteract negative thoughts that come after someone criticizes you.
Feedback is a Genuine Conversation
Remember, I said that improvement only happens when you are willing to sacrifice pleasure and get out of your comfort zone? This principle is something everyone should adopt. Learning to listen carefully to other people’s perspectives to evaluate what is plausible or implausible is a skill worth bettering. A tactic that will help you listen carefully is by viewing the conversation in another light. While someone giving you advice feels like they are condescending towards you, viewing it as a genuine conversation geared towards discovering the truth will help you feel better about it.
I am not saying that you should tolerate all forms of criticism as if it were beneficial. In some cases, people are toxic, and they want you to fail no matter what, so they can continue picking at you. This behavior is not right. However, in genuine conversations that reach towards truth, the individuals want to see you succeed, and they counsel you on how to strategically obtain what you desire.
Know Your Self-Worth
The final tactic that will equip you in taking feedback is resilience, not just towards other’s views, but having the resilience to remain composed towards anything that potentially makes you feel insignificant. We are all born similarly, and we all die. We are all equal. Some are more prominent in society than others because of the direct value and impact they produce, while others live more humble lives — such as myself. However, the fact that we are all equal will never change. When someone’s opinions of you or anything you affiliate yourself with is shown in a more negative light, never allow your sense of self to deflate. You will remain as significant and worthy a person as the person next to you, or the person critiquing you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said,
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Taking feedback, especially if it is unfavorable, can be a touchy subject. However, it is only a touchy subject if you make it to be that way. In summary, assume that the other person has something interesting to say that will help you learn and potentially use for betterment. Even if this viewpoint grates against your beliefs, your values, your perspective, you should open up to the possibility that there is something helpful to learn. Get out of your comfort zone and think while listening to other’s viewpoints concerning you. View the feedback as a genuine conversation that aims towards finding underlying truths. Finally, know your self-worth, and don’t let anyone’s challenging opinions of you or things you associate with to make you feel inferior. If you are reading this, you have the opportunity to take this article as a genuine conversation between the two of us. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of taking feedback in the best possible way.
